There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
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She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
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I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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