My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
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