oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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