halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
