Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
