I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
