Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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