If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
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She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
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Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
How drunk are you?
Completed.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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