He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
