WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Randomize
