I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
