it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
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somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
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I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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