does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
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