I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
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