I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
