Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
