Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
