She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
