i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
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Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
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My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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