I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
