Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
she pinky promised me she was 18
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
