Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Couch. On fire.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
