My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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