No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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