....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
