I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
