I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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