"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
