hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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