Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
where are you?
Hypothermia
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
