theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
