Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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