I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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