So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Randomize
