im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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