i permit you to call me
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
