My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
