I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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