i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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