my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
