My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
