no, he came in my armpit
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
