Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
