how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I have tasted many bathrooms
i think we sleep fucked last night...
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
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