So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
