Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
