I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
