My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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