If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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