Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
