A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
