My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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