I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
