come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
