I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
