Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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