I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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