I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
