3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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