why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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