I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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