Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
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its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
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I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize