I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
