Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
