Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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